Tim Minchin – Three Minute Song (Ukulele)

   Bb                            F
My people rang me up a couple of weeks ago

               Bb                         F                       C
Yeah, I’ve got people; and a phone; and a grasp on the passage of time

          Bb                C             Dm    C          Dm
Yeah they rang me up, said “Tim, will you go on Ruth Jones show

     C                                 Bb          F
They want you to sing a song, it’ll be fine, fine, fine”

        Bb                            F
But the problem with my particular œuvre,

        Bb                                   F
Is that half my songs are five minutes and over.

        C
And the wisdom here at the BBC,

        C
Is that viewers switch off if you go past three,

      Bb                                F
And a lot of my songs have a bit of bad language,

      Bb                        F
Which causes the viewers untold anguish,

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It seems their tolerance for smuttiness is reserved,

    Bb             C             F
For pussy puns on ‘Are You Being Served?’.

         F
And so I need a song that only goes for three minutes,

    C
Without no bums or blasphemy in it,

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A lovely little song specifically written for the delicate skin of middle-class Britain.

  F
I need a song with a chorus and a verse,

     C
With no nasty-ass cussin’ and a-cursin’,

          Dm
And I’m a little too lewd and a little too long,

           Bb            C            F
I’ve gotta find myself a three-minute song.

                Bb                              F
And they said, “Remember boy that music is like love-making

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it’s simply self-indulgent to take it past three minutes.

   Bb                           F
Remember boy that music is like love-making,

                  C
Everybody loves a pianist, but length must have a limit…

       F             
So you need a song that only goes for three minutes,

    C
Without no pornography or politics in it,

         Dm
You’re a little verbose and a little bit wrong,

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You’ve gotta find yourself a clean, limit, three-minute song”.

F
Three-hundred beats at a hundred beats-per-minute,

     C
With nice clean jokes and a hoedown in it,

Dm
Something for the telly that never, ever fails,

   Bb                     C   F
To appease the viewers of BBC Wales.

                Dm                Bb        F
And even in the bridge I won’t be lyrically adventurous,

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intellectually unmention-ous, or racially contentious,

      Dm                                 Bb             F
And I won’t make double entendres at the expense of the Chinese,

    C                           C7
For China is a country that can bring me to my knees.

Bb                    F
For China, For China, Vagina, Vagina,

  C                           C7
Vagina is a cunt-ry that will bring us to our knees.

N.C.
Ooh, Mr. Humphries, my pussy is all wet! (Fake laugh) Two… Three… Fore-skin

  F
I need a little happy-clappy country song,

C
Nice and repetitive and not too long,

Dm
Boring enough, but not too boring,

       Bb                 C          D
With a key change here to prevent me snoring.

  G
I need a song that is only three minutes,

   D
Without no buggery or blasphemy in it,

Em
Something with a pleasing rhyme and rhythm,

      C                          D
Well, if you can’t beat ‘em, get conservative with ‘em.

         G
Oh-oh, I need a song that causes no offense,

   D
To flog more tickets to my concerts,

       Em
By convincing the viewer that musical satire,

C                       
Hasn’t progressed since Victor Borge,

Em                     C
You’ve got a telly and I want to be in it,

      D                                    G
But apparently you’ll only watch for three minutes.

      C                      D               G
Yeah, apparently you’ll only watch for three…