Jon Lajoie – Cold Blooded Christmas (Ukulele)

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It was late at night on Christmas eve

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I was dreaming of the soft white snow

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I was awoken by a noise near the Christmas tree

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What it was I did not know

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It was Santa Clause he was bringing me some gifts

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Unfortunately I did not know that

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So I quietly snuck up behind him

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And I shot him five times in the back

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It went Pow pow pow pow pow

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He said "what the fuck ow ow ow"

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Then I shot him three more times in the head

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Pieces of his brain flew out and he was dead

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That's when I noticed his blood-soaked beard

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And his red suit filled with bullet holes

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I said "oh my god I killed santa clause

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I'm not going to jail for this asshole"

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So I went to my shed and I got my saw

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And I started to choppipty chop chop

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I started with his arms then his legs then his head

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And then the torso was a really long job

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And the blood went spurt spurt spurt

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It was really hard work work work

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It was hard cutting through his spine

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I must have vomited sixteen times

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I burnt all the pieces in my fireplace

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The smell of burning human flesh filled my nose

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Eleven hours later there was nothing left

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And that's when I heard my telephone

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It was Auntie Jean looking for Uncle Bob

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She said "He left the house dressed as Santa Clause

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But he didn't come home last night

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Have you seen him god I hope he's alright"