Half Man Half Biscuit – A Country Practice (Guitar)
Key
-
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Speed:
1.0x
Chords
[Intro]
D Bm D Bm
[Verse 1]
D Bm D Bm I feel like a beggar accepting alms, then being pelted with figs. D Bm D Bm I study my steadily declining chart placings; they greet me with freezing cold inhospitality, D Bm D Bm Hey, where did that bloke go who said I was vital? D Bm D Bm I possess the mild air of a retail tobacconist, that’s because I’m a retail tobacconist D Bm D Bm But the mayflies on a Berkshire trout river would probably tell you a different story D Bm About ham-fisted diadems and momentary daydreams D Bm Of mythical dividends and illusory boardroom seats.
[Instrumental]
D Bm D Bm C D D Bm D Bm
[Verse 2]
D Bm D Bm In the room festooned with fat beef certificates from county shows D Bm D Bm Duff Leg Bryn had drank too much again, most of Wem was steering clear of him D Bm D Bm “I’ve got no time for this twelfth consecutive Rose Bowl” D Bm D Bm ‘Cos on Sunday next at ten to four I’ve got an invitation for D Bm D Bm A trip round Kathrine Hamnett’s warehouse, followed by dinner with David Emanuel D Bm D Bm Who I can’t wait to tell about my dream in which the almost illegal Elton Welsby D Bm D Bm Is dressed as a French maid on a moonless byway, licking his lips as he creeps ever closer D Bm D Bm Fast falls the eventide, fast falls the eventide.
[Instrumental]
D Bm D Bm C D D Bm D Bm D Bm D Bm
[Verse 3]
D Bm The public appearance of bitter ex-soap stars D Bm D Bm Who thought they could go on and do other things besides D Bm The Centre Court amusement at the ballboy’s mishap D Bm That bobbing up and down thing that they do at the Proms D Bm D Opinionated weather forecasters telling me it’s going to be a miserable day Bm D Bm Miserable to who? I quite like a bit of drizzle, so stick to the facts.
[Instrumental]
D Bm D Bm Em D Em D
[Verse 4]
Em D Em D Channel Four presents “Blowjob” introduced by Adrian and Sophie Horn Em D Em D Who is of course one bloke with a pierced dick who’s just had the nod from Planet 24. Em D Em D Hear him say “surreal, bizarre, sad git, yes indeedy, completely and utterly Em D Em D Footy, anorak and respect” before whipping the audience up into doing the Time Warp. Em D Watch him take us live to “The Queen’s Arse and Firkin” Em D Where Joseph Bloggs And His Amazing Technicolor Shellsuit Em D Are about to abort their Steely Dan routine Em D Em D And instead embark upon fifteen minutes of mantra-filled oompah.
[Bridge]
N.C.
Fifteen minutes of mantra-filled oompah.
N.C.
Fifteen minutes of mantra-filled oompah.
Em D Em Adrian stroke Sophie wants us, the viewers to ring in D And say how we think the punters will react. Em D Em These are a few of my favourite things.
[Instrumental]
D Bm D Bm D Bm D Bm
[Verse 5]
D Bm I’m incredibly bored with the word “millennium” D Bm I’m with the Jehovah’s Witnesses. D Bm Millions now earmarked will later be wasted D Bm Her Majesty, marvellous, Mother – The Musical. D Bm The fireworks lighting up the Houses of Parliament D Bm Death in Trafalgar Square, death in the armchair D Bm Of clichéd old spinsters who’ve never been loved.
[Verse 6]
D Bm D Bm Every day is Australia Day, “Sons and Daughters” and “Home and Away” D Bm And then the news comes on and the sound goes down D Bm ‘Cos she can’t be bothered with all them politicians D Bm D Bm They’re all just a bunch of flaming drongo’s. D Bm She died with her telly on, eighty-seven and confused D Bm With not enough hospital beds ‘cos all the money’s been used D Bm On the end of the century party preparations D Bm And they reckon that the last thing she saw in her life was D Bm D Bm Sting singing on the roof of the Barbican, Sting singing on the roof of the Barbican.
[Instrumental]
D Bm D Bm C D
[Outro]
E A E T for Toxteth, T for Tennessee; T for Toxteth, T for Tennessee B7 E T for Thatcher, that girl hath made a wreck out of me. B7 E B7 Old lady labelled me an idle, old lady labelled me an idle E B7 E A E A E A E Old lady labelled me an idle layabout. Layabout. Layabout.